Truth

For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7:2 NIV

Do not carry baggage into parenting. As adults, we can all look back and critique a parent’s right decisions, wrong decisions, good parenting and bad parenting. We know their flaws, imperfections, behavior patterns, as well as their strengths, weaknesses, and the benefits and hurts they brought into our lives. We have good memories and bad memories, hopefully, more positive than negative.

Some people have great regrets when it comes to the experiences they have had with their parents and others that have impacted their lives. At times, thoughts and memories flood their minds, mostly bad. Even in adulthood some still psychologically and emotionally relive the behavior of those who were supposed to care and encourage them, protect and provide for them and create a secure upbringing. Your memories and emotions may be getting stirred right now as you read this paragraph, thus, the influence of a parent and others involved in the lives of children. But now it’s your turn! You can learn from the past mistakes of others and become a better parent.

To be a healthy person and parent you must forgive. Not forgiving, not letting go of past hurts, keeps you locked up in a cage of bitterness. It is critical to get set free from the negativity and hurts of the past. We all have deep emotions, both good and bad, that can greatly influence our adulthood and parenting. We must keep the good and rid ourselves of hurts and negativity. We do not want to hold on to anything that will hurt our children as well.

You must let go of resentment towards anyone who has harmed you emotionally, psychologically and physically. Otherwise, you will end up parenting out of a polluted well, that will hurt the very ones you love. If unforgiveness is not dealt with, a seed of bitterness will be passed down to the next generation, your children. Hurt people hurt people!

You can only give what you have. Receiving forgiveness from God by the acceptance of Jesus Christ into one’s life provides a reservoir of forgiveness by which to forgive others. When you experience and receive forgiveness you are able to give others what you yourself have received.

Salvation through Jesus Christ and receiving the Holy Spirit give you the power to release others who have hurt you. Jesus taught us to pray and ask God for forgiveness. In the LORD’s prayer, Jesus stipulates forgiveness is received as we forgive others. When we do not forgive others we hold back our own forgiveness. To be a good parent you must forgive and learn to live a life of grace and mercy.

“... and forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us.” Matthew 6:12

A Story

Growing up in an immigrant family, with lots of people in our home, there were many influences in my childhood. In addition to my parents, there were grandparents and two uncles living in a small apartment along with my sister and me. I remember receiving corrections from all different people. I am sure I needed some of it, but sometimes the smallest and most vulnerable receive the brunt of others' frustration, anger, and hostility.

Both my parents grew up in Italy during the Nazi occupation. My dad as a young boy was used for slave labor by German troops and my mom’s parents and little brother were murdered in cold blood by the Nazi’s. My mom’s mother, my grandmother and her child, Umberto, were machine gunned down while waiting in a bread line. Her husband, my grandfather, died from a hand grenade being thrown into the crowd as he lamented over his wife’s body.

My dad and his family became refugees during World War 2. It was a very hard life. My mom at age 11 and her two younger siblings were placed in an orphanage until she was 18 years old. Both my dad and mom did not receive the love and attention needed as children, and thus, they could only give what they had received.

There was not much affirmation in our home except from my grandmother who became a second mother to me. Both of my parents worked all day to achieve the American dream and to make a better life for their children. My dad worked two jobs and did not get home until 10PM on most nights. There was a longing inside of me for my parents’ time, attention and input. I did not realize until later in life how this affected my thought patterns.

I had hidden bitterness towards my dad because he was not able to give me what I expected of him as a father, especially time and affection. I later learned that his dad, my grandfather, often said in Italian, “you don’t kiss a child unless he or she is sleeping.” Maybe he thought affirming children would make them weak. Not sure, but my father carried on this philosophy towards his children. You can only give what you have!

If I had not dealt with unforgiveness I would have become an unhealthy parent. To be a good parent you must be a whole parent. This cannot be stated enough! You as a parent must evaluate your personal strengths and weaknesses, and work on your weaknesses so they do not overtake your parenting.

Happy to say, when I turned 40 years old and was heading off on a missionary trip to Thailand, my dad came up to me and said the words I had been longing to hear from him, “I love you.” It’s never too late to make things right with your children.

Interesting

Below Taken from HuffPost.com - Dr. Randy Kamen, Contributor/Huffington Post | Updated December 26, 2012

Forgiveness means giving up the suffering of the past and being willing to forge ahead with far greater potential for inner freedom. Anne Lamott famously declared, "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past." Besides the reward of letting go of a painful past, there are powerful health benefits that go hand-in-hand with the practice of forgiveness. In the physical domain, forgiveness is associated with lower heart rate and blood pressure as well as overall stress relief. It is also associated with improving physical symptoms, reducing fatigue in some patient populations, and improving sleep quality. In the psychological domain, forgiveness has been shown to diminish the experience of stress and inner conflict while simultaneously restoring positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

BOTTOM LINE:

The hurts of the past will be passed onto your children if you do not get free from them.
Forgiveness is necessary to become a whole and healthy person/parent.
You can learn from your parent’s weaknesses as well as their strengths.

Today’s Prayer: LORD, help me to become whole as a person and parent. I forgive those who have hurt me and ask for forgiveness for anything I have done or said to my child(ren) out of bitterness and anger. Thank you God for your grace and mercy. Amen!

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3:3-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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