TESTIMONY: MACAYLA BATISTA
26 ceiling tiles. That’s how many tiles were on the ultrasound room’s ceiling. I know because I counted them as the tech was doing her measurements. The room was more quiet than normal, but I chalked that up to Covid and the fact that Jerry wasn’t allowed at the appointment with me. However, something else felt off. You see, I was there for a follow up appointment to check our baby’s growth and determine a due date. Two weeks prior I went for my first appointment and there was a discrepancy in the baby’s size and my projected due date. So here I was, eager and excited to finally get a due date since my family had been asking me for a couple weeks now.
But something was off. The tech was quiet. She turned the screen around and uttered the words I had prayed my entire life never to hear, “there isn’t a heartbeat.”
I froze.
My world was crushed and my heart sank so low into my stomach I felt like I couldn’t breath. I had the stupid mask on so my tears were welling up and falling down my face completely soaking my mask. She shuffled me into the doctor’s office where I sat alone waiting for him to come in and tell me my “options”. It all felt so surreal. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be my life, right? God I prayed to you that I would never have to walk this path. I specifically prayed that THIS would not be my portion, so why?
As the doctor explained my options, all I could think of was Jerry. I couldn’t wait to leave the office so I could finally let out the cry my soul was longing to cry out. To call my husband to tell him. How awful that Covid robbed us of this intimate moment, that I have to deliver this news over the phone.
You see, this post was supposed to be a pregnancy announcement. I was supposed to be a joy filled announcement of life. Instead, it’s a testimony. It’s a testimony of how even in the darkest times, in the lowest valleys.. God is close. He carries us through.
When I got home my husband wrapped me in his arms and let me grieve. He held me while I mourned the loss of our little baby. He was gentle. Comforting. He prayed for us. What a testimony that is by itself. You see God has brought us so far in our journey with Him and in our marriage.
In the days following we were showered with so much love from our family and friends. Baskets and flowers were left on our door-step. People offered to watch our boys so we could have some time to grieve. They sent prayers and check-in texts. People showed up. You see I’ve always heard people say “we are waiting to tell people until the first trimester is over, you know in case something happens.” And trust me, I get that. This pain is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. So I understand the fear of having to tell people the painful news, having to send out the dreaded text to multiple people. But let me tell you the power in telling people. You have support. You have people loving on you in the darkest moments. You have people who show up when you need it the most.
I think that’s what God has been revealing to me throughout this entire process. I kept hearing Him whisper “Am I still good?” I wrestled with that for a while. Is He? This circumstance isn’t, this pain isn’t, this brokenness isn’t. But God is. He has been showing me how loved my family is. How much growth my husband and I have made. We have a community, a support system. However I know many women don’t.
I didn’t go through this pain, this hurt, this grief for nothing. 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, yet nobody talks about it. It’s a taboo subject. The shame and guilt felt is crippling. So when you experience a miscarriage, you feel alone. Isolated.
To whoever needs to hear this, you aren’t alone. There are women out there who have walked this path, who are ready to love on you, grieve with you, pray with you. But aside from them, you have a heavenly Father who is close to the brokenhearted. He never leaves you or forsakes you, He works all things together for good. Seek Him. Cling onto Him and His hope even tighter through this journey. He gave me peace that surpasses all understanding and He will do the same for you. He foresaw your future and has placed people in your path to help you. Use them. Lean on them. Don’t let the lies of the enemy creep in and keep you isolated. You are not broken. You did not fail. You are loved, cherished, and held in the palm of your Father’s hand. Trust in Him, and that when your precious little baby opened their eyes for the first time, they saw Jesus’s face.
I know my journey is far from over, I know my pain is far from gone. But I have peace. I have hope. Only God can give me that. He is in this, He is orchestrating it all. I will see my precious baby when I get to heaven and I’ll hold on tight when I’m finally able to wrap my arms around him or her.
I felt God calling me for a couple of years. Although I didn't purposely ignore the feelings, I put them on the back burner. I felt unworthy and spiritually broken and was battling with anxiety and depression…